On August 9th I started a job with a pre-press printing company. My job is to process the orders and it is quite complicated. I am in a situation of dirt and clutter and hostility but I am also in a company that is turning around and where in time I could make a good living. The building is a remodeled factory full of 20-foot exposed-beam ceilings. I watered the dying ivy plant in the reception area and saved its life and I need to believe that that small act was the beginning of my extreme usefulness there.
Back in October of ’04, a very drunk person told me all about my pathetic powerlessness, negativity, underachievement and the self-made emptiness of my life. I was rather drunk too, so I listened. I was told I wallow in my problems and pain. I have a lot of both right now and maybe I am wallowing in the problems (like the complexity of the work) and pain (like the disappointment of not doing better).
It occurs to me that if I assume my accuser is right about me with no rationalization, then there is something I am doing to prevent me from excelling at this new job. No matter how much I was injured as a kid and no matter how ill-equipped I am to learn quickly, I don't have to wallow. Permanent injuries can be compensated for, and being equipped to learn will slowly get to the goal. No matter how long the shadow of childhood injury, I have control over its darkness. No matter how my mind works, I have control over my thoughts and all the while the beautiful, beamed ceilings are encouragement to look up.