Saturday, June 11, 2005

The First Five Days

I started a new job on Monday, June 6th. I am remembering and relating to a flood of facts and dozens of tasks that have little to do with me. It is very odd trying to remember names and facts that are so far removed from who I really am and no one can make me care. Only I can make me care by grounding the information and activities in the value they have to the company and the resultant value they give me. I am marketing what I know and what I do and at present I do not know enough to do enough. I am sure, as I absorb more information and provide work that truly enables my superiors, I will feel connected as a person. It feels very odd, however, to have my real self in a completely different reality. I can only hope that as time goes on, the job will be part of my actual mind.

I live in my heart and my sensations. I live in my reactions to the world as they relate to my calm and happy existence. My relationship with God is the source of my calm and happiness. I want peace of mind and quality of life, and with the peace of mind, the job will ensure my quality of life as far as supporting myself goes. Right now, there seems to be no connection between the work and the people and my inner world or true self. Doing what I do and doing it well pertain very little to personal strength or fulfillment.

I need to keep that separation sharp and clear while trying to remove it at the same time. I want my soul to be happy in my work because it is so much of my life, but if I look for happiness in my soul and calm in the presence of God, I will not learn my job and perform the tasks they expect. How can I be at peace without some sense of happiness and quality in my work day? How can my workplace fit in my life if God is not there in it all? I can only look to the future when I dare begin to blend my peace, my happiness and my work. My work relationships and challenges present themselves as opportunities for my ethical and moral growth, but with the heavy involvement of my heart and my sensations, there will be no room in my mind for the work. I am not my work, under these circumstances especially.

I am deeply grateful for this job if for only one thing. It gives the order I need to have quality of life on my terms and peace of mind of any amount. Job hunting is painful and disorderly. I am inexpressibly relieved to stop the disorder and pain of job hunting. Six full months was a long time to cope minute to minute. I look back on the accomplishment of managing my life and calming myself well enough to step upon this new threshold.

Another day I will come back and report to you how things are going, and at that time I will describe the job. After five days, I can only say that they wanted me and they got me and now it is up to us to make it last. I am responsible for giving 100% and they are responsible for getting my best performance. I am there and I remembered enough facts and performed enough tasks to be of value to them at least for the first five days.

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